For most of their eight-year relationship, Joan Price and her boyfriend, Mac Marshall, have programmed sex dating weekly.
The couple, who do not live together, take turns hosting and do their best to prepare. They bring out some sex toys or lubricants to try. (Flavors? Or not?). They take turns showering: Marshall goes out first and then waits for Price to ring a metal bell to signal that she’s ready for him. She jokes that he is like Pavlov’s dog, who salivates when he hears her.
Both are 82 years old and, according to what he said, they practice the most “intimate”, “dynamic” and “fun” sex. that Price has ever had.
Just as longevity experts worry about “healthy life expectancy,” or the number of years a person can remain truly healthy, some doctors and sex therapists have been studying “sexual life expectancy,” or how long one can have a thriving sex life. It is a timely concern, given that the baby boomers The oldest will turn 80 in 2026.
“Our sexuality is very important to us,” said Price, who is a sex educator specializing in older adults and author of Naked at Our Age. “To say that sex is only for young, muscular bodies? It’s insulting. It’s degrading.”
How sex evolves over time
The myth that sex life depletes with age is very widespread.
“The idea we have that older adults don’t have sex is actually ageism,” said Rosara Torrisi, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Long Island Sexual Therapy Institute.
“Many people start to enjoy their sexuality much more as they get older,” he added. “There’s this idea that they say, ‘Screw it. I’m not going to wait. I’m going to say what I want.'”
One of the largest surveys to measure the sexual activity among older adults in the United States revealed that more than half of adults from 65 to 74 years old reported being sexually active, and more than a quarter of those ages 75 to 85 said the same.
However, the study found that about half of those who were sexually active had at least one “annoying” sexual problem, such as low desire, difficulty with vaginal lubrication or erectile function, and inability to orgasm. Other research has found that People have less sex as they get olderdue in part to deteriorating physical health or the death of a partner.
The good news, experts say, is that there are more interventions available today than ever. Doctors may recommend medication or penile vacuum devices to help manage erectile dysfunction, or prescription hormones to help reduce vaginal pain or dryness during sex. Lifestyle changes can also help, such as managing stress, getting enough sleep, and exercising. (Yes, you can train yourself to have sex.)
“When I see my patients, I talk to them about how sexual function is a phenomenon of the relationship between body and mind,” said Stacy Lindau, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Chicago and director of the Integrative Sexual Medicine Program. She starts with questions like what is happening with your physical health and mood, and with your partner’s physical health and mood? What medications do you take that may affect your libido? And your relationship?
Lindau, who was an author of the sexual activity survey, urged seniors to raise any sexual concerns with their health care providers, “because in almost all cases,” she said, “it’s not too late.”
Marshall, a retired anthropology professor, lamented that “so often the public image of aging is that we are all decrepit and just sitting around waiting to die,” he said. “That’s the furthest thing from my life right now.”
Be flexible and understanding
Sex therapists often say that Satisfying sex should not be defined by frequency or if it culminates in orgasm. They say it’s an especially important message for older people.
“When you’re 80 and have some arthritis, the idea of jumping on each other isn’t always an option,” said Kate Thomas, director of clinical services at the Sex and Gender Clinic at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. “Couples who are willing to adapt to these changes, and continue making it fun, are the ones who end up having a good sexual relationship,” he added.
Thomas spends a lot of time talking to older couples about how to have “sex without an erection,” he said. They can take some convincing, and some of their patients experience real grief at losing that option.
But in the end, you find that many of them are satisfied if they focus on activities such as masturbation (with a partner or alone), use of sex toys and lubricant, oral sex or other forms of sensual contactlike kisses or massages.
Sue, 80, who asked that her last name not be used to protect her privacy, has had both knees and both shoulders replaced, but that has not stopped her from constantly having “incredible” sexual relations with her boyfriend, whom she has been with for three decades.
Much of it comes down to your willingness to communicate during sex: about what works, what kind of petting they want, or where they could put a pillow for a little more support.
Sue, a former intensive care nurse, knows it’s important for older people to know their physical limits and make sure they have the go-ahead from their doctors to have sex, but she refuses to give up experiencing pleasure.
“My body is kind of a mess,” Sue said. “But I can still have amazing sex with a bad back, knees and shoulders.”
‘Why didn’t I discover this 50 years ago?’
Perhaps the greatest superpower possessed by people with sexual longevity is the willingness to expand their sexual menuand to put aside any rigid definition of what sex should be.
Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia, says there is a freedom in older adults when defining what healthy sexuality means to themregardless of how they experience pleasure. Great sex, for example, might be a 70-year-old widow using a sex toy alone.
“There is no limit to the age at which you are able to learn and discover,” Brotto said. “In my office I’ve seen women cry and say, ‘My God, why didn’t I discover this 50 years ago?’” she added.
For Price and Marshall, thinking beyond penetrative sex has been essential. Especially when life has presented them with challenges.
Last April, the couple was involved in a serious car accident. Price broke his neck in three places, and his recovery has been slow and painful. For other reasons, Marshall is waiting for a hip replacement. They are both widowers. They have been caregivers and have experienced deep pain.
When the weekly sexual appointment arrives, they ask the other how they are: Does it still seem good to you today? They are understanding of each other when, in the heat of the moment, their bodies sometimes don’t cooperate.
“I say, ‘Let’s see, that’s enough for my neck,’” Price said, “or, ‘Well, I’ll try to stand up and you try to lie down.’ We do it with a sense of humor, not with a sense of doom.”
“We found that other ways of pleasuring each other are much better—and much easier—for the different types of health problems we have,” Marshall echoed. “Joanie invented a new expression: ‘What hurts and what works today?’”
C. The New York Times
